I am not competitive. That is, until I get behind the wheel. In my car I’m a completely different person; I throw trash on the floor, talk to myself, scream obscenities at others, and become extremely aggressive. I take great pride in winning a race or a battle that I have decided I am in with another vehicle.

One day, stressed and crazed in stop-and-go (mostly stop) traffic in an exit-only lane, determined to not let anyone in, at any cost, I thought to myself – WHY? Why am I letting this get to me? I am only hurting myself.

Then I remembered a line from the Jerry Seinfeld special “I’m telling you for the last time.” About horse races, he says:

I’ll tell you one thing the horses definitely do not know.
They do not know that if you should accidentally trip
and break your leg at any point during the race
we blow your brains out.
I think they’re missing that little tidbit of information.
I think if they knew that
you’d see some mighty careful stepping coming down that home stretch.
“Take it easy, take it easy.”
“You win, I’ll place… whatever.”
“The important thing is your health.”

Since that day I have changed how I drive (for the most part.) I take deep breaths and chant, “You win, I’ll place…whatever.” I try to play nice with other drivers, because it’s dangerous not to, and the important thing is your health. But I can only tolerate maybe three random acts of niceness – aka ignore three complete asinine moves of other drivers – before I hit my limit and revert back.

“REALLY???” I yell. “R.e.a.l.l.y.”
“You’re gonna pull out in front of me and go 10. Niiiiiice.”

Or,

“Nice fucking blinker, asshole!”

Or, my favorite in its simplicity,

“GO!!!!!!!!!”

You get the drift.

Here are five of the worst offenses, in my opinion:

5. Blinkless
Did you know that blinkers come standard on every car? And they are free! They are also quite helpful to other drivers. One of the most annoying of the blinkless are the ones who turn at the last second and I could have gone minutes before, had I known you were turning. If only there was some way of alerting the other drivers that you are going to make a turn. Some sort of signal. Oh, wait, there is. It is called a blinker.

Then there are the ones who, after the light turns green, realize “oh, hey! I have this strange wand-like apparatus, what does this do?” and turn on your blinker. So now, stuck behind you, I will probably miss the light. Thanks, ass-wipe. Where are your manners?

4. Ass-riders
The ass-riders are especially annoying because I tend to drive fast. But if someone is on my ass then I purposely slow down. This is hurting both of us, so back off and we can both move forward. Literally and figuratively.

3. Sneakers
The sneaker comes in various forms. The most common are those who try to sneak in (or out) of an exit-only lane at the last moment, cutting in front of all the drivers who have followed the rules. This is frustrating to both those who have waited in that lane, and to those who do not wish to exit, but have to slam on our brakes because you decide to cut into a lane where the traffic is going zero mph from a lane where the traffic is moving at 60 mph. This is intentional and we all know it. You are an asshole. And you probably also use the HOV lanes illegally and think we do not notice because you have tinted windows. No one is falling for that banana in the tailpipe.

2. Lefties
Lefties are those people who camp out in the left lane on the freeway. You know who you are. The left lane is a passing lane. Even if you are going faster than most people, there will be someone who is going faster than you. Or who would go faster if you would move the hell over.

1. Slow pokes
As my dad would say,

“This guy went for a walk and took his car along.”

Driving slow is just as unsafe as driving fast.

There many forms of slow pokes but I dedicate the number one spot for the slow mergers, because they are equally annoying and dangerous.

Merriam Webster defines merge as:
verb. 1. to become combined into one; 2. to blend or come together without abrupt change: merging traffic.

The key here is “without abrupt change.” When you merge into traffic going 30 mph, and that traffic is going 60 mph, someone is making an abrupt change, by slowing down to let you in. This is not the intent of the merge. And of course you continue to go 30. Thanks, shit for brains. Smooth move ex-lax. You take the #1 spot.

[Honorable mention to those who block intersections OR sneak in on a red light in front of someone who stopped at a green light to NOT block the intersection. You suck.]

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This post is dedicated to Scurvy (the person, not the disease.)